In my last post I mentioned that these past few days have been fairly stressful and the horniness hasn't really built up even though I've been locked and haven't cum for about a week at that point. I'm happy to report that today on day 12 of this lockup, I'm finally feeling that tingling feeling start to creep in. It gets me excited watching my body change and get more sensitive with the horniness and it's a marker of progress on this chastity journey.
During the past couple days with feeling stagnant, I started to think about how far I've come in the last 3.5 years and the question of "why do I enjoy chastity and locking up my dick?" started becoming a prevalent thought. As a result, I revisited my teamlocked.men page from when I first started chastity back in the Fall of 2022. Re-reading those posts brought back a lot of memories of where I was back then and made me realize how much I have grown and learned about the world of kink and chastity. Originally, I wanted this post to be about "why I lock up?", but after reading the posts from over 3 years ago, I felt like I wanted to dedicate a post strictly to where I am 3 years later.
Looking back at my old blog posts from 2022, it's oddly nostalgic to see how much of a baby kinkster I was. Everything got me excited. Every hour locked, every little change in my body, every new discovery seemed massive and huge. At times, I do miss that period when I was just "SO EXCITED" to finally tap into kink and my sexuality in a way that I haven't been able to connect with at all my entire life. However, when I read deeper and reflected on those feelings more, I realized how much my horny brain was focused on "wants".
I wanted my husband to be this Dominant keyholder I was seeing online (when at the end of the day, it overwhelmed him and it wasn't him). I wanted my body to change in certain ways that I didn't understand. I wanted to feel horny all the time, and I got disappointed when I didn't feel that horniness continue to build. As kinksters we talk about "wants" and "needs" a lot, and from a functional standpoint, I understood the difference. However, looking back on my old posts, I never realized how much it didn't "click" for me in practice.
That's not to say I completely understand what I need now; however, I have a much better understanding of my needs and I'm able to better distill and filter out what desires come in as wants. Some of this will cross over into "why" I lock-up, but for me, the biggest need is sexually satisfying my partner. I get that more easily through locking up, but I realized that the cage is simply a physical representation of that need. By denying myself pleasure, I'm able to better focus on my partner's. The other need is community. Over the last few years, I've had the opportunity to connect with a bunch of great individuals in the kink space that I would have otherwise not been able to meet. This also taps into my need to get to know someone before play. Over the last few years, I've had some pretty (for lack of a better term) poor play sessions. Each time, what was missing was knowing the person on a deeper level. The last need is praise and recognition as a sexual being. I mentioned in my first post that for years I've repressed my sexuality. Chastity and kink have allowed me to tap into that piece of myself and I learned that I need that praise and recognition from people. Whether that person be my husband, another Dom online, or a fellow sub supporting each other, I need to feel seen and recognized for my sexuality.
These needs that I've noted above are fundamental to who I am as a locked sub. To be frank, there are days I question whether I truly am a sub (that's a post for another day). But these needs have started to really help guide my kink and chastity journey. I find myself not chasing that immediate "high" of a short term play partner. I'm much more discerning when it comes to interactions online and really trying to get to know people. Both these actions build community and allow me to get to know the person better. Although, sometimes in my horned up state, I still make that mistake and it usually doesn't turn out well, haha!
Something else I noticed from my old posts was how performative they felt. It read like a horny teenager discovering sex for the first time or a kid in a candy store. Reading them now, I didn't get the sense that the person in those posts was a locked sub; rather, they were just an excited boy trying to play a locked sub. I don't fault that person at all. I think I needed these last three years in order to grow and develop and learn about myself. I needed to define what kind of relationship I wanted to have with kink, while still allowing that relationship to change.
Looking back, I had an "image" of what I wanted as a locked chastity sub. While there are still some elements that remain, I feel less focused on what I want out of chastity. Instead, I am much clearer about what I need from this kink. I want to dig into this more and explore it further in my next post. As for now, it's been great getting to reflect back on those old posts and seeing how far I've come. There have been ups and downs, and I don't know what the future holds, but it is exciting to continue to engage with and explore this kink.